i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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