I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Randomize
