she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Randomize