I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
