We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
