I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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