I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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