we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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