She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
