i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Pants are for mortals
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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