I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
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