i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
