You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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