I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
