Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
