Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
