i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
