My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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