He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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