Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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