i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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