I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
