You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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