this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
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