my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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