got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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