I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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