he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
