In America we eat man semen.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
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