I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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