So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Randomize
