I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
