you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize