I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
