some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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