Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Randomize
