As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
