I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
