You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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