This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
