your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
