i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Randomize
