Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Randomize
