I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I don't know what your problem is but seriously you're a cunt for throwing up that song on your page. It's rude as fuck
omg its myspace i didnt think anyone took that seriously anymore
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
