dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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