i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
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