she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
