My liver just broke up with me...
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
what day is it and did you see me today?
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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