I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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