Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
He better not be in your backpack
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
