I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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