you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
He felt like a one man threesome
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
