ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Randomize
