We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
She's not a foreskin expert like you
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
third nipple confirmed
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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