so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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