Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
I just threw up on my dentist
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
