One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
That was an excessively violent trivia night
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Randomize
