Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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