Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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