we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Houston, we have a squirter
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
My bed smells like the plague
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
