i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
