My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
